Monday, May 25, 2009

Just for balance


Not too long ago I was training a newly hired kid just out of college how to do my job posting news to a website. In the course of the evening he intimated and all but said he was surprised to see someone “um, your age” who was computer literate. I looked at him silently for a moment with mock shock showing on my face. Then very carefully and slowly so the message came through loud and clear, I said, “Who do you think invented them?”

But that was just background. Yesterday I went to a Home Depot to buy a couple of gardening tools and a watering can. When I couldn’t find one, I asked the young lady working there where I might find a watering can. “What’s that?” she asked. This woman works in the gardening department, is there to assist customers and had no clue what a watering can is. I described one. Think right now, if you had to describe something as common and universal as a watering can, could you do it clearly? After my bumbled description, I mean watering cans are a given, something you automatically know what it is without ever in your life having to actually describe one, she still didn’t know and actually had to call someone. Here’s how important watering cans are these days. They were on the third shelf up, yes, I had to climb shelves (past maybe 10 different kinds of hose reels) to get at them, and neither of these young, spry, (don’t you just love the word “spry”?) people could take the time to come with me. Then I had to use one of the tools in my hand to reach the can I wanted and drag it to where I could grab it. There was so much dust on it, it must have been there since the place opened. And then it cost $25. I should have charged them an unstocking fee.

Looking at the generation gap from the other side, now, I am a little dismayed. These people are going to take over the world someday? I suppose living in the sub arctic a kid can grow up without ever seeing a watering can, but wow wasn’t there one in Mr. Macgregor’s garden? In the Child’s Garden of Verses? Somewhere in a book?

Now happily at home with my gold-plated hard-fought-for watering can, I actually have something to water.

Last week I bought some plants including a lilac bush. (I may have bought the wrong kind. A woman at work who knows about these things told me there is only one kind the moose won’t eat.) But then I put on my facebook page that I had bought a lilac bush. Despite all the new ads that say use of the word is wrong, I looked at that sentence on line and decided hmmm that looks awfully gay. So I added that I had also bought a Jeep. Just for balance you know. And I did. but, it was all part of a master plan.

A year ago when gasoline prices were up around $4.50, I got the idea that it might be smart to buy one of the new efficient hybrids for my 80-mile commute, and then a small pickup or Jeep or something to use on weekends for bush trips and hauling my trailer and that sort of thing. So a little more than a week ago I had some extra time in Anchorage and wandered into the Honda dealer. (Why Honda is another story.) Sooooo, Now I own a Honda Insight which gets me to work at an average 47 miles per gallon, and a Jeep which mostly sits in the yard anxiously waiting for a good Bush adventure.

And for proof just look at the picture.... that is my new lilac bush along with my new (actually used) Jeep just for the balance of it all.

2 comments:

  1. That was a great blog Tim, I really enjoyed reading about your adventures. Kids today...crazy bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Does that mean I'm getting old too? I know what a watering can is. I can't believe anyone *wouldn't* know.

    ReplyDelete

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Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

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A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

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Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

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GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

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The best way to know you are having an adventure is when you wish you were home talking about it." — a mechanic on the Alaska State Ferry System. Or as in my own case planning how I will be writing it on this blog.

"You can't promote principled anti-corruption without pissing off corrupt people." — George Kent

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"You can do anything as long as you don't scare the horses." — a mother's favorite saying recalled by a friend

A poem is an egg with a horse inside” — anonymous fourth grader

“My children will likely turn my picture to the wall but what the hell, you only get old once." — Joe May

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When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth. Kurt Vonnegut

“If you wrote something for which someone sent you a cheque, if you cashed the cheque and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.”Stephen King

The thing about ignorance is, you don't have to remain ignorant. — me again"

"It was like the aftermath of an orgasm with the wrong partner." – David Lagercrants “The Girl in the Spider’s Web.”

Why worry about dying, you aren't going to live to regret it.

Never debate with someone who gets ink by the barrel" — George Hayes, former Alaska Attorney General who died recently

My dear Mr. Frost: two roads never diverge in a yellow wood. Three roads meet there. — @Shakespeare on Twitter

Normal is how somebody else thinks you should act.

"The mark of a great shiphandler is never getting into situations that require great shiphandling," Adm. Ernest King, USN

Me: Does the restaurant have cute waitresses?

My friend Gail: All waitresses are cute when you're hungry.

I'm not a writer, but sometimes I push around words to see what happens. – Scott Berry

I realized today how many of my stories start out "years ago." What's next? Once upon a time?"

“The rivers of Alaska are strewn with the bones of men who made but one mistake” - Fred McGarry, a Nushagak Trapper

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

We are all immortal until the one day we are not. – me again

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

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One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio announcer

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Sports malaprops

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel