Sunday, February 10, 2013

Real men use yellow machinery

When the snow load gets too heavy you have to shovel the roof.

In the post below about the media frenzy of an approaching winter storm, I made a little fun of an Alaska newspaper that thought it was vital to feature a story essentially telling Alaskans how to shovel snow.

Instead of that ridiculous story, the paper could have gone into what Alaskans use and how they use what they have to move snow.

Now that's snowblower.  Four hundred fifty four cubic inches of 
Chevrolet power will move a lot of snow. 
Mind you this comes from a person who lived for almost 20 years in the U.S. city that traditionally reports the highest winter snowfall in North America.  One year while I was there, Valdez, Alaska, received 47 feet of snow.  My dog walked across the snow berm between houses and curled up on the neighbor's roof next to the chimney for the warmth.  A friend of mine kept a BB gun close to his front door because with the snow halfway up his picture window, the neighbor's dog kept coming over and lifting his leg on it.

Just 20 miles away is a mountain pass that one year received the deepest snowfall ever recorded, more than 900 inches in one winter.

This snowfall is caused by a unique geography where the high massif of the Chugach Mountains rises immediately from the ocean shoreline.  Warm, moist air moving north from the Gulf of Alaska hits those mountains and stalls.  The moisture cools rapidly and releases the huge snowfalls in winter.  Those huge snowfalls have also formed a landscape littered with glaciers.

Now, given snowfalls as deep as 4 feet in 24 hours, the standard snow shovel is a fairly useless tool.  In the video above workers are using a Valdez snow scoop.  Those are made by a local sheet metal shop and cost upwards of $100.  But, they handle huge amounts of snow.  Some places with flat roofs even leave a snowblower up there all winter. 

How do they prepare?  For one thing, new houses have to be built with roofs able to handle a snow load of 120 pounds per square foot.  When subdivisions are laid out they have to leave a certain amount of land vacant for storing snow from street plowing in winter. When you build a house, you put doors and first-floor windows on the gable sides.  If you put them under the eaves you have a world of trouble when snow slides off the roof. When I built my house, I placed it on the lot as close to the street as zoning would allow.  What this did is leave me the shortest possible driveway to shovel, only about 10 feet longer than a pickup truck. And, speaking of those, you won't see many pickup trucks with snowplows on them because they just aren't strong enough to handle a big snow.  Even the folks who plow driveways, use those big Caterpillar front-end loaders.  Road graders and front-end loaders are used for the main roads as well.  

Yellow machinery!  If you don't know what that is, the next time you pass some road construction or excavation work going on,  look at the equipment.  And awful lot of it will be painted the ubiquitous yellow of the Caterpillar trademark for its heavy machinery.  And that earth moving machinery can also move snow.  Just to be fair in mentioning yellow machinery, I shouldn't leave out DeWalt power tools, another reliable Alaska favorite, but as far as I know it doesn't move snow.  Last summer though, I did observe a guy using a DeWalt sawzall to dig a trench.

As for personal snow removal, besides the Valdez snow scoops, snowblowers work, but you have to buy the big ones, the expensive ones, because the little ones just won't do the job.  The only alternative is to have half a dozen children, so you have a ready and replaceable supply of shovelers.  Incidentally I know the woman who made the video and she raised three husky sons, but probably won't admit she did it just for the snow shoveling.

Which brings us to the photograph.  Now, there is a man's snow blower.  Tim the Tool Man would be envious.  And, of course, whether on purpose or not, it is painted yellow.  According to the fellow who made it, it is powered by a 454-cubic-inch Chevrolet engine.  The cooling fan blows from front to back,  pushing engine air onto the driver for some warmth.  Cooling liquid flows through the handle bar for heating the handler's hands.  It is loud enough for neighbors to complain and demands use of ear protection.  It also will throw snow into next month.  It was not built by an Alaskan, but I would bet someone out there somewhere has built something like it.

And, what it does is bring heavy-duty, yellow, snow-removal equipment to a personal level.  The unique ways people find to move snow would have been a much more valuable news story for sure. More power! Always, more power!

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Interesting quotations

· " “Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth. Kurt Vonnegut

“If you wrote something for which someone sent you a cheque, if you cashed the cheque and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.” Stephen King

The thing about ignornance is, you don't have to remain ignorant. — me again"

Never debate with someone who gets ink by the barrel" — George Hayes, former Alaska Attorney General who died recently

My dear Mr. Frost: two roads never diverge in a yellow wood. Three roads meet there. — @Shakespeareon Twitter

"The mark of a great shiphandler is never getting into situations that require great shiphandling," Adm. Ernest King, USN

Me: Does the restaurant have cute waitresses?

My friend Gail: All waitresses are cute when you're hungry.

I'm not a writer, but sometimes I push around words to see what happens. – Scott Berry

“The rivers of Alaska are strewn with the bones of men who made but one mistake” - Fred McGarry, a Nushagak Trapper

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

We are all immortal until the one day we are not. – me again

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

Exceed your bandwidth—sign on the wall of the maintenance shop at the West Coast/Alaska Tsunami Warning Center

One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio announcer

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Things sports announcers say

"… there's a fearlessment about him …"

"He's got to have the lead if he's going to win this race."

"Kansas has always had the ability to score with the basketball."

"NFL to put computer chips in balls." Oh, that's gotta hurt.

"Now that you're in the finals you have to run the race that's going to get you on the podium."

"It's very important for both sides that they stay on their feet."

This is why you get to hate sportscasters. Kansas beats Texas for the first time since 1938. So the pundits open their segment with the question "let's talk about what went wrong." Wrong? Kansas WON a football game! That's what went RIGHT!

"I brought out the thermostat to show you how cold it is here." Points to a thermometer reading zero in Minneapolis.

"It's tough to win on the road when you turn the ball over." Oh, really? Like you can do all right if you turn the ball over playing at home?

Cliches so imbedded in sportscasters' minds they can't help themselves: "Minnesota fell from the ranks of the undefeated today." What ranks? They were the only undefeated team left.

A good one: A 5'10" player went up and caught a pass off a defensive back over six feet tall. The quote? "He's got some hops."

Best homonym of the day so far: "It's all tied. Alabama 34, Kentucky 3." Oh, Tide.

"Steve Hooker commentates on his Olympic pole vault gold medal." When "comments" just won't do.

"He's certainly capable of the top ten, maybe even higher than that."

"Atlanta is capable of doing what they're doing."

"Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country?

"You can't come out and be aggressive but you can't come out and be unaggressive."

"They're gonna be in every game they play!"

"First you have to get two strikes on the hitter before you get the strikeout."

"The game ended in the final seconds." You have to wonder when the others ended or are they still going on?

How is a team down by one touchdown before the half "totally demoralized?"

"If they score runs they will win."

"I think the matchup is what it is"

After a play a Houston defender was on his knees, his head on the ground and his hand underneath him appeared to clutch a very sensitive part of the male anatomy. He rolled onto his back and quickly removed his hand. (Remember the old Cosby routine "you cannot touch certain parts of your body?") Finally they helped the guy to the sideline and then the replay was shown. In it the guy clearly took a hard knee between his thighs. As this was being shown, one of the announcers says, "It looks like he hurt his shoulder." The other agrees and then they both talk about how serious a shoulder injury can be. Were we watching the same game?

"Somebody is going to be the quarterback or we're going to see a new quarterback."

"If you're gonna play running back in the SEC you're gonna take hits."

"That was a playmaker making a play."

Best headlines ever

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair With Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve