Thursday, September 29, 2016

It's not a numbers game, honest, it really isn't

The meaning will come clear in the links at the end. (See how you generate hits?)
Years ago a newspaper editor said she didn't encourage columnists because all she ever had seen were
three columns and then a column whining about how difficult it is to write a column.

That comment came to mind when I was considering starting this blog. I guess with almost 900 posts now, over eight years without writing about a blog, that wasn't a problem. I've said before I don't write here to make money, nor do I write to generate an audience. The main reason I chose to write a blog was I wasn't accomplishing much in traditional writing but almost daily I dealt with the guilt of not writing and the urge to write but very hesitant to dive into a major project or go that discouraging route of free- lancing. A blog looked like the perfect solution to satisfy the demand without committing to a major project. Think of it as a pianist doing scales for practice. I did promise myself if I ever started writing about writing a blog I would quit right there.

As a result of that, numbers of readers don't mean a lot to me. I belong to a couple of bloggers' groups though I seldom participate. But I see a lot of their conversations revolve around gaining readers, blog hits, a lot of it to make money. I saw one person in a group say the main reason for writing a blog was to make money. Of course if you are advertising something you are paid according to the number of hits your blog or a particular page receive. There are several applications available for recording blog hits. Though I say it doesn't matter, I watch them and my mood can go up or down with the number of hits so it apparently does mean something. My numbers do not begin to challenge Lady Gaga, let alone a local news columnist, so apparently my disregard for  audience is working.

That said over the past couple of days I have seen record numbers. Since noon the day before yesterday one post generated 2,664 individual hits along with 220 shares on facebook. That is the most hits ever in a single day and the most for any post on the blog in about eight years of posting. And, at this writing the number is still rising. It eventually made this month the one with the most page hits ever.

To be correct, this was not a straight-up post. First of all it was posted more than two years ago. The other day I attached it as a comment to a facebook post, because it directly related to the subject of the main post and adds something on the same subject. I've done things like that before, when a post fit a subject, but something different happened this time. Facebook has a feature where if you open some posts, it will promote three additional related posts displayed right below the main one. My post was this second of the three and I am sure that's what led to all the hits. Just to keep my feet on the ground, the main post received more than 15,000 hits and more than a thousand shares, so my numbers pale by comparison.

Still given my usual audience it's gratifying. Most of my posts don't draw 220 views, let alone 220 shares, so it's all to the good.  And it certainly confirms and condemns me to my status as a minor regional author. And, no, I am not going to quit just because once I wrote about writing a blog.

THIS WAS THE MAIN POST I ATTACHED TO
THIS IS THE ORIGINAL BLOG POST

Saturday, September 24, 2016

The power of words

Meme from the Occupy Democrats Facebook page.
I taught a writing class in my son's fourth, fifth and sixth grade classes, two hours once a week. Each year I would begin the first class with an example of the power of words. Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech, Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. And I had a trick one for them. I read this: "Dear Aunt Mary, I had a good day in school today we learned about birds and some spelling and then this funny guy came in and taught us writing. Love, Alice."

I told them those were powerful words also. Powerful because they would have affected someone, Alice thinking of her aunt fondly enough to write to her and tell her about that day. She's saying she loves her aunt with that message.

Well, the third year I read them a speech by Adolph Hitler. The only things I took out were a couple of references to Germany. The speech called for nationalism and love of country among other things.
When I finished I asked them who they thought might have written that speech. Around the room I heard the names of every living ex-president and the current president at the time. A couple of other names popped up, popular leaders of something or other, but all respected Americans.

Then I stopped them and paused for a minute and said, "Adolph Hitler wrote that speech." The ones who knew who Hitler was were stunned. I told them the power of words can be used in several ways, not all of them good, and to listen to or read powerful words critically. Just because someone is saying something powerful, doesn't mean you have to agree with the speaker. I told them Hitler gave that speech in 1936, the same year he snubbed Jesse Owens at the Olympic Games and not too long before he invaded Poland, setting off World War II. It was a lesson I hoped they would take with them,

Then this meme popped up today and called up that memory. A real teacher had passed on the same lesson, with the same hope.

The similarities between the two speakers are striking and the American public should realize it and act accordingly. I have dissed the Godwin Effect in the past but in this case it fits. If you don't know what that is, it is the propensity to reduce any argument to calling someone Hitler or Nazi.

The thing is in the modern case, I think the speaker is so uninformed about government and history he doesn't even realize he is parroting the worst murderer of the 20th Century. He also seems to be a man who cannot resist adoration no matter where it comes from, even modern American Nazis and Klansmen. Compliment him, follow him no matter who you are, massage his huge ego, and he will champion your cause no matter the repercussions, at least until you say something he doesn't like.



RELATED POST
Everybody has a story

Monday, September 19, 2016

On Social Security and other stuff that might clutter your facebook page



I have paid into Social Security since 1959 and in my first job at the age of 16 in a Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, restaurant kitchen. Today it is my major source of income. To see these attacks of the program sometimes calling those of us who depend on it freeloaders is pretty scary. One result that seems to go unnoticed is that my payment has been slowly eroded over the past few years. Understand that Medicare is part of the program, but we pay for that. For several years now there has been no cost-of living increase in benefits while at the same time the cost for Medicare has creeped upward, not to mention increases in any supplemental health insurance we may carry. So what I have realized is a reduction in spendable income. Coupled with that is a cost-of-living calculation that discriminates against older people. A lot of weight in figuring the cost of living is based on the price of gasoline. That sounds OK until you understand that in my last job I commuted 80 miles a day. Now in my retirement I don't drive that much in a week. So, my cost of living is not affected much by gas price, yet as prices have dropped so has the cost-of-living allowance and that pretty much wipes out any increase that otherwise might apply. On top of that, the federal government lets us pay income tax on the payments we receive, probably at a higher rate than most one percenters. So, first of all it is not a free ride, AND it is slowly being whittled away from us.






 Just for some perspective.
I didn't realize how big those sunflowers grew until my friend Gail stood next to them. Her feet are just about at the base of the roots.



















Author W.P. Kinsella who wrote "Shoeless Joe," the book behind the movie "Field of Dreams" dies in Canada the age of 81. 

Kevin Costner made two of the best baseball movies ever. This one and Bull Durham, both standing the test of time as well.














It's all right to be an introvert as long as you keep it to yourself



There's a full playlist here.





Saturday, September 17, 2016

Another hot mess avoided; lots of Alaska stuff

Ruptured Pipeline Spills Oil Into Yellowstone River
















The Anchorage Police Department has a sense of humor. Who knew? The bear eventually wandered into a cemetery and climbed a tree. There it was tranquilized and transported out of town.



In the realm of watching paint dry, this is me this afternoon. Watching my heart rate drop on my Apple Watch after some strenuous exercise. 107 at the peak. 65 an hour later. I think that's healthy.




Friday, September 16, 2016

More in the continuing effort to keep my friends' Facebook pages neat

People complain about having their grammar corrected but did anyone suspect good grammar could save lives. The sign in this photo posted by Kitty Delory Fleischman certainly could use a comma or a period.














Best headline of the day so far: Ted Nugent Calls For Native Americans to ‘Go Back Where They Came From’

Another list of authors I didn't make:









Google street view blurred a cow's face.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Wakeup call

Every morning I awaken to this incessant banging on the side of the house right next to my head. I know what it is, but I never feel like getting out of bed, finding the camera and going outside only to find nothing there.

But she made a mistake today. Mid afternoon, I am happily typing away and comes a "rapping, rapping, rapping on my bedroom wall" (with a sincere apology to Edgar Allen Poe.) Already clothed I fumbled the long lens onto the camera and sneaked out the door. There she was almost close enough to touch. She
Around to the front of the house.
Back to nature and, I hope, a more successful hunt.
Poetry in motion?

flew to a tree and I got a shot there and then she flew off, but five minutes later the rapping started and this time I caught her good. A female hairy woodpecker and working her way along the wall and around the corner to the back where she slowed down enough to get a pretty good picture.

As I write this she is back rapping rapping rapping. Now she has moved around to the front. But I have what I want, though. Next time I will put on some shoes and pants before I go chasing a woodpecker around the yard. Isn't living back in the woods fun?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Another day, so much less clutter

Eagles gather on the Eagle in Dutch Harbor Alaska. Photo Max Viau
Deplorable



If you supply a lynch mob with a rope, you are complicit in the lynching. If you support a racist with a vote, you are complicit in racism.



Ringo Starr's SON is 51 years old






Monday, September 12, 2016

Here's some stuff I could have cluttered your facebook with

You had one job! Tenth Avenue, Anchorage Alaska. Laugh when you see it. There's some discussion that this was done on purpose to encourage back-in parking.











There is a Lakota prophesy that tells of a black snake that will create destruction as it moves across the land












Today I have seen people speculate about HillaryClinton's health, intimate that she can't do the job because of her health, analyze blurry pictures trying to point out her weakness. What I haven't seen is a single person expressing concern for her health. Is this who we want to be?


Sense of humor time: Ok by reading the above you understand I was appalled by the focus on Clinton's frailty and its effect on politics, but on the other hand, this meme is pretty funny. Diagnosis: pneumonia. Result: taking a sick day from work. Oh horrorshow! Remember Trump ducked military duty with a sore foot, and that was at the peak of his health.








AND FINALLY:








Saturday, September 10, 2016

When Alaska surprises you with 80-degree weather

I came across something other Alaskans might appreciate especially with global warming and all. Last June I spent some time at the East Pole in temperatures around 80 degrees F. At the time I discovered I didn't have a shirt out there that wasn't flannel or wool, no sun block either, and I suffered accordingly.

When I came back I went about taking care of that and ordered a couple of lightweight pullovers and a shirt LLBean called sunsmart. I liked the shirt and on a whim one night (late night, glass of wine, credit card sort of thing) I ordered another one.

This time I read the label. What it says is this shirt has a UBF rating of 50 plus. In addition, it's cool, moisture-wicking, breathable and quick drying. You can also roll it up and stick it in a backpack and it takes up very little space and weighs almost nothing.

I haven't put them to a real test yet but so far loving them. I don't often recommend a product but I think this one's a winner. (And, no, I am not being paid to do this.)

A few things I learned in the past couple of days

Another one of those nickel quizzes

Winterizing

Godzilla geranium in its natural habitat. It spends less than
four months outdoors.
The temperature hit 32 overnight and the sun came out today so a good one to get some of those

chores done at the end of summer and preparing for the coming winter even thought there's no termination dust on the mountain yet.

Changed and checked and filled all the precious bodily fluids in the Jeep and cleaned up what's left from summer in order to pack it with stuff for the East Pole this winter.

Got some modifications done on the new snowmachine so it will work better at least doing the things I need it for. I swear people who design and build things ought to use them and learn what it is like to operate them. I once drove a boat in which I had to cut a hole through the cabin sole in order to reach the oil dipstick on one of the engines. Who the hell designed that?

The problem and the solution.
This snowmachine isn't nearly that bad. It has a huge cargo area on the back but has only a single bar about 10 inches above the deck going part way around it to hold cargo in it. I did this on my other machines in the past and today I put two solid eye-bolts on each side to attach binders or bungee cords to hold things in place on the trail. In the whole setup of snowmachine and cargo sled the area that takes the least beating from moguls is the back of the machine. It's where I carry eggs, and camera gear and anything else I don't want broken or shocked. So it's vital to make sure that stuff can't bounce around. So now I have some tie-downs to hold things in place. Enough times I had to wring out those cardboard cartons to regain at least some of the eggs after several broke on the trail. I even measured and spaced the eye bolts so I can strap my snowshoes, one to each side, to the cargo rail. Still TBDW (to be dealt with): There is no easy access to the top of the engine.

An unexpected difficulty interrupted that operation. Neither of the batteries for my drill motor had enough oomph to drill the holes. So while they were charging, I went after the plants that had to come indoors. The other day I harvested what was left in the garden so this was all that was left except to put up protective wire fencing to keep moose out of the lilac and put up the bird feeders. I collected the godzilla geranium and the Valentine rose plant (it defies the term "bush) and brought them indoors.

With several nagging chores out of the way and that geranium where it spends the larger part of the year on the kitchen table while the rose plant waits for February atop a bookshelf, maybe it's time to sit back a little and relax into the evening with some music. I hear my favorite Lady singer has a new song out.

Friday, September 9, 2016

If only I were posting on facebook today …

gCaptain photo
Posted only because I like this picture and you were looking just  a little too comfortable over there in your easy chair while thousands of people are out on the big oceans worldwide and somewhere some of those souls are getting the crap beat out of them right now. Note the water on the foredeck and pouring out of the scuppers,


Joint Statement from the Department of Justice, the Department of the Army and the Department of the Interior Regarding Standing Rock Sioux Tribe v. U.S. Army Corps of Engineers

On of those things you never knew you wanted to know









Wednesday, September 7, 2016

A meager harvest at best …

Eight-foot sunflowers, next year corn.
… but more than I can use even so.

With frosts predicted almost daily and night temperatures dropping into the 30s the time came to bring in the crop – harvest day in the haphazard garden.

The garden didn't produce nearly as much as in past years but there are several valid excuses. To begin with I almost didn't plant at all and so when I did start it was late and then I didn't plant nearly as much as I have in past years. Then over the summer I gave away most of the the zucchinis that grew, particularly the big ones, lettuce too. The lettuce planted in a pot next to the door grew at least four harvestable quantities, coming back strong after every cutting, so that experiment was worth it.

Some sizable zucchinis came up but I gave most of those away and had a couple of meals out of a few more. Potatoes came in strong. Having some of those tonight.

A friend came out and I gave her most of what I harvested today to share with other friends, so it is all going to good homes and the whole process no mater the outcome is satisfying and worth the effort.

Lettuce, zucchini and potatoes.
And then there are the sunflowers, another experiment and they came out great. Some are 8 feet tall now. I am going to leave them there to drop seeds and see what happens in the spring. But given the success in that particular part of the garden, I can see a new experiment next year, particularly if we have another early spring. If I'm still here I plan to try some corn out there. If it gets as high as an elephant's eye by early July I may have a new crop to try.

All in all, a success and enough so as to encourage another try.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

A series of fortunate events

One of the real horrorshows in life is arriving home after an extended trip and finding something
you might depend on has failed somehow while you were gone. This one isn't as bad as an extended power outage leaving everything in your freezer melted and all your fish who depended on aeration dead, but almost as irritating.

After a couple of days at the East Pole and twice over a seven-mile trail in muddy water over my boot tops and endless deep puddles, some more than 100 feet long, I arrived home exhausted, muddy, hungry and tired. I managed to get the wet stuff into the house and leftover foods into the refrigerator, my muddy clothing right down to the socks into the washer and then flopped on the bed without even a shower.

I just wanted to relax and recuperate for a while and I turned on the computer to see what I had missed while I was gone. My wi fi didn't work. Every attempt to connect with something came up "you are not connected to the internet." All the signals were right, the proper lights on the modem, the green light on the router and the indicator on the computer showing it was connected, but nothing would load. I turned off and turned on, unplugged and replugged, went through preferences, and diagnostics but through it all nothing would get the computer to give me access to facebook, let alone my financial accounts.

So I just shut it off and laid there for a bit watching nothing I cared about on television, after all, Netflix had two new seasons of Shameless ready for me and I couldn't get at them.

In time my wandering mind hit on a solution and there began an incredible chain of technological and mechanical successes of almost unbelievable proportions.

First, there was the ethernet connection I could make directly from the modem to the computer. Bingo Bango, helllllloooo Shameless. I also noticed the connection ran considerably faster and with less lag between keyboard input and results. Online and ready to boogie.

The fact that iPhone, iPad and Apple watch wouldn't connect came to mind only later. For the time being the day had been saved.

The next day passed uneventfully until mid-afternoon. So proud of the handling of the problem, it seemed like a good time to try another one. Ever since an installation of an operating system upgrade, one of my email accounts had been inaccessible. I messed with it a little and then called the provider's technical assistance. I had finally figured my problem was with an errant password, but I couldn't figure out what. Five minutes on the phone and we had it fixed. Super now all those accounts worked. Still no connection to the other devices, but I thought fooling with that stuff could only bring more frustration than I needed.

There was that plus I really liked the faster smoother operation with ethernet. The next day I started looking at the back panels of the components. Voila! On the back of the router there are three ethernet ports. One was occupied with the printer but two held nothing. Sooo, I found by unplugging the ethernet wire to the computer from the back of the modem which then could be connected to the router, then I could run the ethernet out of the router to the computer and maybe have both wi-fi AND ethernet. Long story short, it worked. Now I have smooth fast ethernet to the desktop and wi-fi for the phones and pads and the like. Awesomesauce.

I felt quite confident. Confident enough even to tackle the big one that has been a pain for a week. On this new snowmachine I had been looking through it just for familiarization and learned there was no easy access to the top of the engine – to do things like change spark plugs. I couldn't even see spark plugs. I didn't get far but I had gained enough humility to expose my mechanical ignorance to the dealer and ask how to do that. Another five minute phone call. (Incidentally it is not an easy task. There a lot more fancy electronic connections on this new machine than I have ever seen before, but I did learn how to get at the spark plugs.)

So, with connectivity better than I've ever had before, all my email accounts working and a new snowmachine I am much more comfortable with, it's time to put my feet up, perhaps a glass of wine and who knows, maybe a playlist tonight. And, oh yeah, think snow. And, too, be thankful nothing melted in the fridge.

A collection of stuff I might have posted on facebook over Labor Day

It's been sunny all day and then you see this. What 
does it mean? Sure sign of changing weather. Rain 
started about 6 hours later. (My Photo)
Made a quick trip to the East Pole over the weekend and had way more fun than I intended. I mean a trail more mud and standing water than hard ground and THEN it rained, A light but steady rain overnight Saturday into Sunday made sticking around less interesting, so I beat a hasty retreat out of there. Hotfoots: 2 on the way in and 1 on the way out, over the top of standard-sized XTRATuffs.  $10 at the car wash to get mud off the four-wheeler,




In the immortal words of Old Lodgeskins (see the movie Little Big Man) some days the medicine doesn't work.














Watch a grizzly chase a moose all around the pond.








 That should get rid of a bunch of obnoxious ads on TV.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Winter birds, wettest month, empty SCOTUS seat and god's wrath

You know winter's coming when the Alaska Songbird Institute puts out its graphic of common winter birds we'll be seeing at feeders soon enough. In past years all of these have been common visitors to feeders around here.










This one reminds me of an old joke in which a man is suffering incredible hardships and in frustration thrusts his arms skyward asking "Why me, God?" And from the heavens comes a thundering voice saying, "Because you piss me off."

Best headlines ever

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel

Memorable quotations

The best way to know you are having an adventure is when you wish you were home talking about it." — a mechanic on the Alaska State Ferry System. Or as in my own case planning how I will be writing it on this blog.

"You can't promote principled anti-corruption without pissing off corrupt people." — George Kent

"If only the British had held on to the airports, the whole thing might have gone differently for us." — Mick Jagger

"You can do anything as long as you don't scare the horses." — a mother's favorite saying recalled by a friend

A poem is an egg with a horse inside” — anonymous fourth grader

“My children will likely turn my picture to the wall but what the hell, you only get old once." — Joe May

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth. Kurt Vonnegut

“If you wrote something for which someone sent you a cheque, if you cashed the cheque and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.”Stephen King

The thing about ignorance is, you don't have to remain ignorant. — me again"

"It was like the aftermath of an orgasm with the wrong partner." – David Lagercrants “The Girl in the Spider’s Web.”

Why worry about dying, you aren't going to live to regret it.

Never debate with someone who gets ink by the barrel" — George Hayes, former Alaska Attorney General who died recently

My dear Mr. Frost: two roads never diverge in a yellow wood. Three roads meet there. — @Shakespeare on Twitter

Normal is how somebody else thinks you should act.

"The mark of a great shiphandler is never getting into situations that require great shiphandling," Adm. Ernest King, USN

Me: Does the restaurant have cute waitresses?

My friend Gail: All waitresses are cute when you're hungry.

I'm not a writer, but sometimes I push around words to see what happens. – Scott Berry

I realized today how many of my stories start out "years ago." What's next? Once upon a time?"

“The rivers of Alaska are strewn with the bones of men who made but one mistake” - Fred McGarry, a Nushagak Trapper

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

We are all immortal until the one day we are not. – me again

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

Exceed your bandwidth—sign on the wall of the maintenance shop at the West Coast/Alaska Tsunami Warning Center

One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio announcer

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Sports malaprops

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel