Friday, December 30, 2016

Write what you know


I read this last night in John Grisham's "Sycamore Row: "He was working in a bar in Juneau, Alaska, in a seedy section of town where sailors and deckhands and roustabouts gathered to drink and shoot dice and blow off steam. A couple of ferocious bouncers kept the peace, but it was always fragile."
     Now, I have only been to Juneau maybe four times, but in those times I don't recall ever seeing a "seedy section." However three of those four times I approached from seaside and after weeks at sea, the sleaziest bar on earth could look like heaven if the beer was cold and the women were hot.
     Still I don't believe there is a seedy part of Juneau, unless as some might suggest it's the places where legislators hang out during sessions.
     More I think Mr. Grisham should have at least done a little research or at best spent a day or two there.  The third choice might have been Ketchikan when the Rock was rocking and Creek Street was in full bloom.
     Except for that, so far I am enjoying the book tremendously.

A comment from Facebook:

Sharon Wright I lived in Juneau in 1971 and lived in the "seedy" area of South Franklin Street with Phil Haney in an apartment in a run down building. We were right above the Top Hat Bar, one of those hallway bars with a long bar the length of the hall with single tables for 2 against the other wall. Yes, there were rough characters doing shots in that bar. Never saw any sailors or deckhands there. Just old men. I'm not going to get into it now, but one night going home, a couple of scraggly ugly drunk native men tried to drag me away from Phil & he had to get into it with them. He made them run up one of the hillside staircases. So, yes, Juneau actually had a "seedy" stretch of blocks. But the seediest area IMHO was up at Baranof Hotel where the legislators gathered to drink & make deals.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

I feel most fortunate

I realized a milestone the other night. I have reached the extent of my mid-life crisis. It came about this way. I was watching an episode of the old TV show Northern Exposure. Yes, that's right, I have the whole series on DVD and am slowly working through it. I liked it when it first came out and I like it now despite the "Alaska errors" and the outlandish supposedly Alaska plots. As a writer of fiction I can see many of the adventures in "Exposure" happening here with just a slight push from a writer's imagination.
In this episode Holling Vencoeur, owner of the Brick bar, learned of an uncle's death at the age of 110. Holling at 63 went into a mid-life crisis believing his life was half over given the longevity of the his male relatives.
How old was I when I thought my life was half over? Right, it was around 36 when I started looking at the life I was living and the life I wanted to be living.Thus began my adventure into the woods, onto the big ocean and through six books.
Holling dealt with his by rounding up every potato in Cicily and heading out to his still which had been owned by his father and his father before him. He began distilling vodka and if we are to believe this, it seemed like he drank most of what he made.
I went about it a different way. I knew I was going to build a cabin in the woods at some point. So I made a list of the tools I would need and every time I took home a paycheck I bought something off that list.
So between me and Holling, in my mind our mid-life crises were resolved. With that resolution, my mind jumped to the present, sitting here in the deep woods and contemplating life and then the realization, "holy crap," I am twice that old now. I've outlived my mid-life crisis, lived two halves of an average life and here I am. What am I supposed to do now?
For one thing, with only two days to go it looks like I will survive 2016. If anybody's been paying attention that's been no small feat at my age. So many great musicians died this year you would think someone was killing them off. Writers, actors, politicians, so many people we loved and then Princess Leia … and her mother.
The world seems emptier without them. And unfortunately it's not over. Most of the rock musicians I grew up with are in their 70s now so bracing for continued announcements.
So what is my good fortune? I lived through this horrible year. I am still standing or sitting anyway but at times now I feel like Slim Pickens riding that nuke earthward shouting Yahoo all to the tune of "I'll see you again, don't know where, don't know when."
And there is this: Keith Richards reportedly is still alive. So maybe it's all right to look forward to another ride around the sun with some measure of optimism based on having.survived the past year.

An addendum: Until I read the comment below, I hadn't considered the glass half-full/half-empty paradigm. I suppose as the years pass the glass grows larger and the volume of the halves changes as does the total for the whole glass. It's almost a catch 22, as you get closer to a full glass, the glass increases in size making it impossible ever to fill it. I guess we keep striving, despite the futility of it and that's all right particularly for anyone with a creative nature. The day you accept anything you've done you're finished anyway. There is a quote credited to the great impressionist Renoir on his death bed. At 94 when asked what he thought of his body of work, he said, "I begin to show promise." In other words his glass never filled to the brim, at least not to his satisfactison, despite his best efforts. And, look what he accomplished. What hope is there for the rest of us? Perhaps the answer lies in the very real threat at the end of the comment which should give us more reason than ever to strive on.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

You couldn't live with yourself if you didn't at least try



A friend sent that to me in a facebook message today. It's a conclusion I had come to since the election.

I had reached a point in life where I felt I have been fighting something or other forever and where I am tired. It was like in Fellini's movie, "The Clowns." His camera crews traveled around Europe contacting and interviewing all the famous clowns from European circuses. As an aside if you watched carefully you would see the crews pull off some of the great clown tricks. There is a scene where they pull up to an address in a small car and before you realize it, 20 people have come out of the car carrying all manner of movie-making equipment. But the point of telling this is the last scene
in the movie where Fellini staged a grand circus parade under the big top. But as the elephants and the acrobats march around the tent, we notice three of the clowns sitting on the ring itself. Asked why they are not in the parade one of them says, "not any more, I am just too tired."

I could take that as a reason not to fight or like Chief Joseph of the Nez Perse said after defeating the U.S. Cavalry and then trying to lead his people into Canada, "I will fight no more forever."

In the Fifties, believe it or not, we objected to complacency, not a big fight, but still. In the Sixties came the Vietnam War and civil rights, and for a bit more spice, women's liberation. After that came the whole environmental movement. By the Eighties  I was driving a boat in Alaska waters and seemed to be far from the battles. About then SeaWorld came to Alaska to capture our whales and then Exxon spilled oil all over our ocean and shores. Those took care of the Eighties, Nineties and 00s.

After that I put in a sitnt at a newspaper and that's a place you are constantly exposed to the world's battles, all of them, on a daily basis. Choose your medicine. It never goes away.

Some time after that I thought I could enjoy retirement as I felt I had reached a point where I could say I did what I could and now when I was tired and would fight no more forever.

Then came the 2016 election. I was one of those naive persons who could not envision Trump winnning. I might as well have been punched in the stomach when he did. And even since, every time I think of it I react physically. On top of that there are those people who now have a majority in both houses of Congress who want to cut Social Security and Medicare. I depend on both of these and would be pretty much reduced to poverty if they succeed. I am outraged. I have been paying into Social Security for more than 50 years and now they want to take it away from me because they hate  Franklin Roosevelt.

I stewed over it for some time until I realized that's not going to help. Also I can't just write about it. If I am not going to sit by passively and let it happen to me I have to do something. But what? A blog post doesn't do much, after all most of the people who read my blog agree with me. So, I made a start. I sent a serious email to all three of Alaska's representatives (all in-line Republicans) in which I pointed out that 83,000 Alaskans receive Social Security benefits, most of them retired people. That was a start.

The missing senator wrote back first. What I got was a condescending (it might as well have started out "Dear Stupid) note explaining what the GOP says is wrong with Social Security. Our other senator said she was examining the issue. I never heard back from our only U.S. Representative, but then he says he only represents those who voted for him.

So, that was a start. Obviously more needs doing and fast. At the moment I am in the deep woods, a good place to devise a plan. Unfortunately I am stranded by a broken-down, brand-new snowmachine so I have a lot to contemplate, but I am thinking through what I can do in the fight to keep the benefits we've earned. I guess I will fight at least once more forever. So thanks, Shelley, for the kick in the pants. I just hope it doesn't kill me.

A COUPLE OF COMENTS FROM FACEBOOK
10-4. my sentiments exactly. retired. moved back to the woods to live on a very small income but lots of time to do art, meditate, walk in the woods and smell the roses. also thought no way in hell america would elect an utterly incompetent, psychotically narcissistic baboon. but we were wrong and now we have to fight again and again until we die in the trenches. this time the battlefront is so multifacetd it's overwhelming: social security, economic freedom for lower and middle classes, racial
and LGBQT rights, women's rights, environmental survival. .... anon.... there is no moral or just cause this satan-spawn isn't attacking. my experience w Dan Sullivans office to phone calls is the same----yawn. who cares about what you peasants think? and Young, of course , is like Trump---- he feels
he was divinely anointed and overtly hostile to constituent opinion. i will continue to call them, donate $ where i can, and just be the squeaky wheel. anything else that occurs to me is illegal. mostly i plan to just live long enough see these jack-offs in their graves after they have destroyed everything – GRETCHEN SMALL


Gretchen Small that matters except what is inside my soul. like Gandhi. "i will not obey. you can kill
me but then all you have is another dead body. you still will not have my obedience."


Former congressional staffers tell how best to influence members of Congress.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

It's so easy anybody can do it


KGB enlisted young Trump in Soviet Cold War operation – sources

Author: Carlos Nodonaldo

Dec. 13, 2016  Inconsequential News Service

       Federal agents this week revealed partial results of an investigation into Donald Trump that has unearthed what they say is proof he was and likely still is an agent of Russia, either as a willing participant or as an unwitting mind-controlled automaton who was awaiting instructions from deep inside the Kremlin

The investigation centered on almost three years in which Trump's whereabouts were unknown.
Investigators say they have confirmed where they believe Trump was during the years he mysteriously dropped out of sight. No record until now had been found about his location or activities during that span, but now documents discovered recently track his path through the two Germanys and into the heart of the Soviet Union in Moscow.
According to insiders, in a report issued Friday,  Trump left the Wharton School in Pennsylvania in the summer of 1968 and in early 1971 reappeared to take over management of his family's businesses. Where he was during that time has long been a subject of speculation.
Authorities now say they have proof Trump left the country and traveled first to Berlin where for a short time he lived in a youth hostel. From there he disappeared, but recently documents discovered in former East German archives, show Trump crossed into East Berlin and was sighted about a month later in Moscow, capital of the former Soviet Union.
From there the trail went cold until he showed up in passport records as entering the U.S. on a flight from Beirut, Lebanon, in January 1971 at least until earlier this year.
It was those two and a half years out of sight that caught the attention of CIA investigators. In May documents supposedly expunged from KGB records but discovered in an abandoned building being demolished indicated a young American had been turned and was undergoing extensive training and mind-control exercises.
The report and several others found with it were signed by an agent named V. Putinchikov, believed to be a young Vladimir Putin who is now president of Russia. Judging by the information in the reports which is still being kept confidential, insiders say there's no doubt the young American was Trump. According to one source the reports document intense mind-control indoctrination. Documents detail actions beginning in late summer 1968 and ending in the fall of 1970.
Our source cited one document in particular that according to her stated that the indoctrination had been successful and the subject was ready to be deployed.
It is believed that during the 1950s and '60s hundreds of soviets lived in the Untied States as ordinary citizens awaiting orders from Moscow officials to perform duties not specified when they were deployed. The famous Manchurian Candidate was one such effort where an American. serviceman captured in Korea was brainwashed and sent back only to be activated by a psychological trigger to assassinate the president.
The sources believe Trump was among those who were sent to the U.S. as sleeper agents.
In January 1971 state department records show Trump flew into the U.S. from Beirut, landing in New York, and joining his family's firm shortly after that. From then until his election as President and his actions against China, there were no indications of whatever mission the Soviets may have prepared him for, but intelligence experts now speculate Trump could have been triggered recently to stimulate friction between the United States and China in order to further Russian economic interests.
Nothing in this story is true. It is pure satire meant only to entertain.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Snippets


We write them and don't quite know what to do with them. They come to mind and leave just as fast and we are left with a slice of time and circumstance without backstory. Here is one that came up today. This one is different though, I have a place for it.


If a cat lady didn't have cats she woould have been Helen. Surrounded by carefully needlepointed biblical verses on the walls and lace doilies under every lamp on every table, the room could not have withstood the clumsy meanderings of even the most agile cat. Sheets carefully fitted and tucked covereed every fabric surface on every piece of furniture in the living room which was watched over intensely by rows of ceramic animals arranged on shelves by species, rabbits over here, cute bears over there and a lone wolf on what had served as a mantle over a long bricked-over fireplace. Each lamp shade had a plastic coverning and the rugs, some plain and some with intricate patterns, showed signs of wear from three vacuumings a day for years.

That's it, a snippet, beginning middle and end in a paragraph, but as I said I have found a  place for this one.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Best year-end roundup of the year so far: 2016 edition

Beginning on a somber note


And then on to the best we were blessed with from news, sports and television writers and announcers this year.

This may not be the best roundup, but it's the first. Starting out with almost anything Donald Trump said, no need to list them all.

Worst analogy of the day so far: "Snow comes out of the sky like bleached flies."

Best photobomb of the year so far.
Best headline of the day so far: "Denver Broncos' Ryan Murphy sent back to Denver after questioning in San Jose, Calif., prostitution sting." Are you kidding me? This guy is a football player … in the SUPER BOWL … and he can't get laid? (2/2/16)

Best headline of the day so far: China may be using sea to hide its submarines. (2/10/16)

My favorite comment on this subject so far: Justice Scalia died after a 30-year battle with social progress. 2/14/16)

Worst lead on a news story so far today: "NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. – The socially conservative doctor whose inspirational biography and deeply held faith galvanized the red blood of America this past fall officially announced that he is leaving the campaign trail Friday." Have to wonder who this writer is and how long he's been out of eloquent-journalism school. He's writing about Ben Carson for crying out loud.  Yahoo News 3/4

Best headline of the day so far: "Mitch Landrieu demands oil industry restore damage to coast." (6/2)

Best headline of the day so far: Fitness Personality Hospitalized for 'Bizarre Conduct' (6/5)

Best headline of the day so far (from my friend Carrie Ann Nash): Drones Will Drop Vaccine-Covered M&Ms to Save Ferrets (7/14)

Best headline of the day so far: Homicide victims rarely talk to police 8/2 
          
Dueling death notices from wife and girlfriend.
Man’s wife, girlfriend place dueling obituaries in same newspaper 8/5

Best headline of the day so far: One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers 8/4

Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens

Best headline of the day so far: Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God' 8/2

Favorite headline of the day so far: Latino group begins 'Guac The Vote' initiative to register voters at taco trucks 8/7

Best headline of the day so far: WSJ accuses Hillary Clinton of attending Bill Clinton's birthday party. 9/6

Errant Cannon Fire from Niagara Deflates World’s Largest Rubber Duck 9/8

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days 9/13

Best headline of the day so far: Ted Nugent Calls For Native Americans to ‘Go Back Where They Came From 9/15       
    
Best headline of the day so far: Memo warning ministers not to leak memos is leaked

Best tweet of the day so far: (This was in response to someone complaining the Mars rover's tweets were getting boring.)
SarcasticRover @SarcasticRover 18m18 minutes ago
Seriously, after four years on Mars you’re lucky I’m not just tweeting 140 character screams at you all day long. 11/17

Best headline of the day so far: "Apple's new macs come with missing keys" OK, how can you arrive with something that's not there? 10/28

Best tweet of the day so far; love the Bronx Zoo Cobra
Bronx Zoo's Cobra @BronxZoosCobra 2h2 hours ago
Twitter just "happens" to go down on #ReptileAwarenessDay?! Looks like the multinational corporations of Big Mammal are at it again. 10/21

There are a lot of them today but for me, this is the best Trump quote of the day so far: “Every time I said something, she would say something back,” he said. “It was rigged. She kept on bringing up things I said or did,” Trump added. “She is a very nasty person.” 9/27

Best headline of the day so far: "Surfing on a turtle’s tail makes swinging crabs monogamous." 9/23

And from the sports world:

I think they're drinking on the sports copy desk again: "UAA men's basketball dispatches Concordia 93-67 in men's basketball"  Headline on ADN website 2/19

Best sportscaster comment of the day so far: "He's got to have the lead if he's going to win this race."  2/21

Best sports comment of the day so far: "Kansas has always had the ability to score with the basketball." Um, otherwise what are they there for? 2/26

Best headline of the day so far: "NFL to put computer chips in balls." Oh, that's gotta hurt. 7/27

Best sports announcer quote of the day: Now that you're in the finals you have to run the race that's going to get you on the podium

Best sportscaster quote of the day so far: "It's very important for both sides that they stay on their feet." 11/21

This is why you get to hate sportscasters. Kansas beats Texas for the first time since 1938. So the pundits open their segment with the question "let's talk about what went wrong." Wrong? Kansas WON a football game! That's what went RIGHT! 11/19

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far (Jan. 9): "I brought out the thermostat to show you how cold it is here." Points to a thermometer reading zero in Minneapolis.

Sportscasters are really at it today. Best comment so far: "It's tough to win on the road when you turn the ball over." Oh, really? Like you can do all right if you turn the ball over playing at home? 10/29

Cliches so imbedded in sportscasters' minds they can't help themselves: "Minnesota fell from the ranks of the undefeated today." What ranks? They were the only undefeated team. 10/23

Best sportscaster quote of the day (seriously, never heard this one before). A 5'10" player went up and caught a pass off a defensive back over six feet tall. The quote? "He's got some hops."

Best homonym of the day so far: It's all tied. Alabama 34, Kentucky 3. Oh, Tide. 10/1

Best headline of the day so far: "Steve Hooker commentates on his Olympic Pole Vault gold medal." When "comments" just won't do.9/27

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far: This is kind of picking on amateurs, but who could let it pass? Iditarod. "He's certainly capable of the top ten, maybe even higher than that." 11?  3/6

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far: "Atlanta is capable of doing what they're doing." 5/6

Best quote from a sports announcer today so far: "Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country? Oh, his family. 5/15     
      
And again: Best quote from a sports announcer today so far: "Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country? Oh, his family. (5/17)            Said it again (5/23)

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far: "You can't come out and be aggressive but you can't come out and be unaggressive." (5/30)

Monday, December 5, 2016

Waiting for winter in Alaska

A quick, snowless trip down to the river.
A small mountain of new gear and equipment for a an extended stay at the East Pole gathers dust in the living room. A brand new snowmachine, the first in 20 years, chugs juice from a trickle charger for its battery against the day when it can move and an old man grows older by the minute as he anxiously waits for the signs of conditions that would allow him to move.

December 5 the temperature dipped below zero and wavered between negative 15 and negative 7 for the whole night and day, preserving the minimal snow cover in the yard, the same amount of snow that according to friends provides a meager cover on the trail through the deep woods. That temperature range is forecast to prevail at least through the next week without a cloud in the sky that could hold even a promise of snow. For the record a minimum of 20 inches would be best.

Dinner tonight consists of a can of food that was supposed to be consumed in the warm comfort of the cabin at the end of that trail.

A day ago after four inches of snow fell the temptation proved too much and I fired up  that new machine and took a ride around the neighborhood, but the sound of those brand new skis scraping over gravel hidden under that thin protective coat of snow sent a shiver through me every time I heard and felt it and the trip was cut short after only a few minutes. So now the machine has six miles on it according to the odometer. Oh joy.

Two things filtered through the mind today. The first came as I walked across a parking lot at the store, my ears burned by the cold air, my fingers tingling from the same condition, some of it blamed on the slowing circulation of an aging man but also on the lack of exposure to the weather this year. Somehow 10 below at the cabin is tolerable while out here it is not. The thought that developed was about weathering these conditions and it raised the question asking if we are not going to get a decent winter in Alaska any more, why spend the rest of my life suffering in the cold and grumbling about it. Maybe it would be better grumbling about it on a beach in Palau.

And that one kind of evolved into the second one. Given the political atmosphere in the country these days I might be able to do some good if I were to take every one of those goddamned climate-change deniers by the neck and shove their pompous well-fed faces into the bare gravel in my yard. That wouldn't change anything, of course, but think of the personal satisfaction.


This complaint has almost become an annual event. Seems like I have written something like it several times over the past few years. Perhaps it all comes down to choices and maybe a big one is looming. There are options for places to live but there are no promises for anywhere. After all, if you can't count on winter in Alaska, what is there that you can count on?

Best headlines ever

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel

Memorable quotations

The best way to know you are having an adventure is when you wish you were home talking about it." — a mechanic on the Alaska State Ferry System. Or as in my own case planning how I will be writing it on this blog.

"You can't promote principled anti-corruption without pissing off corrupt people." — George Kent

"If only the British had held on to the airports, the whole thing might have gone differently for us." — Mick Jagger

"You can do anything as long as you don't scare the horses." — a mother's favorite saying recalled by a friend

A poem is an egg with a horse inside” — anonymous fourth grader

“My children will likely turn my picture to the wall but what the hell, you only get old once." — Joe May

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth. Kurt Vonnegut

“If you wrote something for which someone sent you a cheque, if you cashed the cheque and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.”Stephen King

The thing about ignorance is, you don't have to remain ignorant. — me again"

"It was like the aftermath of an orgasm with the wrong partner." – David Lagercrants “The Girl in the Spider’s Web.”

Why worry about dying, you aren't going to live to regret it.

Never debate with someone who gets ink by the barrel" — George Hayes, former Alaska Attorney General who died recently

My dear Mr. Frost: two roads never diverge in a yellow wood. Three roads meet there. — @Shakespeare on Twitter

Normal is how somebody else thinks you should act.

"The mark of a great shiphandler is never getting into situations that require great shiphandling," Adm. Ernest King, USN

Me: Does the restaurant have cute waitresses?

My friend Gail: All waitresses are cute when you're hungry.

I'm not a writer, but sometimes I push around words to see what happens. – Scott Berry

I realized today how many of my stories start out "years ago." What's next? Once upon a time?"

“The rivers of Alaska are strewn with the bones of men who made but one mistake” - Fred McGarry, a Nushagak Trapper

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

We are all immortal until the one day we are not. – me again

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

Exceed your bandwidth—sign on the wall of the maintenance shop at the West Coast/Alaska Tsunami Warning Center

One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio announcer

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Sports malaprops

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel