Thursday, December 8, 2016

Best year-end roundup of the year so far: 2016 edition

Beginning on a somber note


And then on to the best we were blessed with from news, sports and television writers and announcers this year.

This may not be the best roundup, but it's the first. Starting out with almost anything Donald Trump said, no need to list them all.

Worst analogy of the day so far: "Snow comes out of the sky like bleached flies."

Best photobomb of the year so far.
Best headline of the day so far: "Denver Broncos' Ryan Murphy sent back to Denver after questioning in San Jose, Calif., prostitution sting." Are you kidding me? This guy is a football player … in the SUPER BOWL … and he can't get laid? (2/2/16)

Best headline of the day so far: China may be using sea to hide its submarines. (2/10/16)

My favorite comment on this subject so far: Justice Scalia died after a 30-year battle with social progress. 2/14/16)

Worst lead on a news story so far today: "NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. – The socially conservative doctor whose inspirational biography and deeply held faith galvanized the red blood of America this past fall officially announced that he is leaving the campaign trail Friday." Have to wonder who this writer is and how long he's been out of eloquent-journalism school. He's writing about Ben Carson for crying out loud.  Yahoo News 3/4

Best headline of the day so far: "Mitch Landrieu demands oil industry restore damage to coast." (6/2)

Best headline of the day so far: Fitness Personality Hospitalized for 'Bizarre Conduct' (6/5)

Best headline of the day so far (from my friend Carrie Ann Nash): Drones Will Drop Vaccine-Covered M&Ms to Save Ferrets (7/14)

Best headline of the day so far: Homicide victims rarely talk to police 8/2 
          
Dueling death notices from wife and girlfriend.
Man’s wife, girlfriend place dueling obituaries in same newspaper 8/5

Best headline of the day so far: One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers 8/4

Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens

Best headline of the day so far: Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God' 8/2

Favorite headline of the day so far: Latino group begins 'Guac The Vote' initiative to register voters at taco trucks 8/7

Best headline of the day so far: WSJ accuses Hillary Clinton of attending Bill Clinton's birthday party. 9/6

Errant Cannon Fire from Niagara Deflates World’s Largest Rubber Duck 9/8

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days 9/13

Best headline of the day so far: Ted Nugent Calls For Native Americans to ‘Go Back Where They Came From 9/15       
    
Best headline of the day so far: Memo warning ministers not to leak memos is leaked

Best tweet of the day so far: (This was in response to someone complaining the Mars rover's tweets were getting boring.)
SarcasticRover @SarcasticRover 18m18 minutes ago
Seriously, after four years on Mars you’re lucky I’m not just tweeting 140 character screams at you all day long. 11/17

Best headline of the day so far: "Apple's new macs come with missing keys" OK, how can you arrive with something that's not there? 10/28

Best tweet of the day so far; love the Bronx Zoo Cobra
Bronx Zoo's Cobra @BronxZoosCobra 2h2 hours ago
Twitter just "happens" to go down on #ReptileAwarenessDay?! Looks like the multinational corporations of Big Mammal are at it again. 10/21

There are a lot of them today but for me, this is the best Trump quote of the day so far: “Every time I said something, she would say something back,” he said. “It was rigged. She kept on bringing up things I said or did,” Trump added. “She is a very nasty person.” 9/27

Best headline of the day so far: "Surfing on a turtle’s tail makes swinging crabs monogamous." 9/23

And from the sports world:

I think they're drinking on the sports copy desk again: "UAA men's basketball dispatches Concordia 93-67 in men's basketball"  Headline on ADN website 2/19

Best sportscaster comment of the day so far: "He's got to have the lead if he's going to win this race."  2/21

Best sports comment of the day so far: "Kansas has always had the ability to score with the basketball." Um, otherwise what are they there for? 2/26

Best headline of the day so far: "NFL to put computer chips in balls." Oh, that's gotta hurt. 7/27

Best sports announcer quote of the day: Now that you're in the finals you have to run the race that's going to get you on the podium

Best sportscaster quote of the day so far: "It's very important for both sides that they stay on their feet." 11/21

This is why you get to hate sportscasters. Kansas beats Texas for the first time since 1938. So the pundits open their segment with the question "let's talk about what went wrong." Wrong? Kansas WON a football game! That's what went RIGHT! 11/19

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far (Jan. 9): "I brought out the thermostat to show you how cold it is here." Points to a thermometer reading zero in Minneapolis.

Sportscasters are really at it today. Best comment so far: "It's tough to win on the road when you turn the ball over." Oh, really? Like you can do all right if you turn the ball over playing at home? 10/29

Cliches so imbedded in sportscasters' minds they can't help themselves: "Minnesota fell from the ranks of the undefeated today." What ranks? They were the only undefeated team. 10/23

Best sportscaster quote of the day (seriously, never heard this one before). A 5'10" player went up and caught a pass off a defensive back over six feet tall. The quote? "He's got some hops."

Best homonym of the day so far: It's all tied. Alabama 34, Kentucky 3. Oh, Tide. 10/1

Best headline of the day so far: "Steve Hooker commentates on his Olympic Pole Vault gold medal." When "comments" just won't do.9/27

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far: This is kind of picking on amateurs, but who could let it pass? Iditarod. "He's certainly capable of the top ten, maybe even higher than that." 11?  3/6

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far: "Atlanta is capable of doing what they're doing." 5/6

Best quote from a sports announcer today so far: "Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country? Oh, his family. 5/15     
      
And again: Best quote from a sports announcer today so far: "Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country? Oh, his family. (5/17)            Said it again (5/23)

Best sports announcer quote of the day so far: "You can't come out and be aggressive but you can't come out and be unaggressive." (5/30)

2 comments:

  1. Each one is better than the last. You should go help those sportswriters, Tim. They need you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Did you ever notice that the greatest number of incredibly stupid quotes come from the sports world? We had a friend who did a radio sports show out of Las Vegas, highlighting some of the stupidest actions and comments. His interns would always say they should hold some back for the next day, but Mike assured them there would be more where those came from. There always were. He also developed the "felon index" to predict the winners of college and professional sports, and it was infallible!

    ReplyDelete

Interesting quotations

"In the final analysis your life is only as good as the background music you dance to." – that was me

"Whether you think that you can or you think you can't, you are right." – Henry Ford

"You want to feel alive until the day you croak" – Frank Gallagher Shameless

"Smooth is good but sailing takes a brisk wind" – me

"I'm a drinker with writing problems." ~ Brendan Behan

"Religious Freedom is not about stopping persecution; it’s about being the one who gets to do it. Glory!" – Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's best Christian

It doesn't matter what you write, it only matters that you write.

"Give someone a book and they'll read all day. Teach someone to write a book and they'll spend a lifetime mired in paralyzing self doubt." – internet meme

"It's been a long time since I heard my backbone crack – Chuck Berry

“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” – JD

"I was the only person up on the hill with both racing numbers and a handicapped placard." – Kitty Delorey Fleischman, a grandmother who occasionally still races her Porsche in hill climbs.

Like most writers, I feel like a reprobate who does not deserve to live on any day that I do not write, but I also feel that four or five hours is enough to earn my stay on the planet for one more day. – anon

"Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool." – Mark Twain

Shit happens; you just come up with a different plan. – Kitty

Your body is not a temple. It's an amusement park. – Anthony Bourdain

Never too late for a happy childhood – Berkley Breathed

A real writer doesn't just want to write, a real writer has to write. – Internet meme

"It was like the aftermath of an orgasm with the wrong partner" – David Lagercrants, "The Girl in the Spider's Web"

The non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

We never comprehend how heavy the things are we insist on carrying until we set them down. jd

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

Exceed your bandwidth—sign on the wall of the maintenance shop at the West Coast/Alaska Tsunami Warning Center

One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio talk show host

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Things sports announcers say

"… there's a fearlessment about him …"

"He's got to have the lead if he's going to win this race."

"Kansas has always had the ability to score with the basketball."

"NFL to put computer chips in balls." Oh, that's gotta hurt.

"Now that you're in the finals you have to run the race that's going to get you on the podium."

"It's very important for both sides that they stay on their feet."

This is why you get to hate sportscasters. Kansas beats Texas for the first time since 1938. So the pundits open their segment with the question "let's talk about what went wrong." Wrong? Kansas WON a football game! That's what went RIGHT!

"I brought out the thermostat to show you how cold it is here." Points to a thermometer reading zero in Minneapolis.

"It's tough to win on the road when you turn the ball over." Oh, really? Like you can do all right if you turn the ball over playing at home?

Cliches so imbedded in sportscasters' minds they can't help themselves: "Minnesota fell from the ranks of the undefeated today." What ranks? They were the only undefeated team left.

A good one: A 5'10" player went up and caught a pass off a defensive back over six feet tall. The quote? "He's got some hops."

Best homonym of the day so far: "It's all tied. Alabama 34, Kentucky 3." Oh, Tide.

"Steve Hooker commentates on his Olympic pole vault gold medal." When "comments" just won't do.

"He's certainly capable of the top ten, maybe even higher than that."

"Atlanta is capable of doing what they're doing."

"Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country?

"You can't come out and be aggressive but you can't come out and be unaggressive."

"They're gonna be in every game they play!"

"First you have to get two strikes on the hitter before you get the strikeout."

"The game ended in the final seconds." You have to wonder when the others ended or are they still going on?

How is a team down by one touchdown before the half "totally demoralized?"

"If they score runs they will win."

"I think the matchup is what it is"

After a play a Houston defender was on his knees, his head on the ground and his hand underneath him appeared to clutch a very sensitive part of the male anatomy. He rolled onto his back and quickly removed his hand. (Remember the old Cosby routine "you cannot touch certain parts of your body?") Finally they helped the guy to the sideline and then the replay was shown. In it the guy clearly took a hard knee between his thighs. As this was being shown, one of the announcers says, "It looks like he hurt his shoulder." The other agrees and then they both talk about how serious a shoulder injury can be. Were we watching the same game?

"Somebody is going to be the quarterback or we're going to see a new quarterback."

"If you're gonna play running back in the SEC you're gonna take hits."

"That was a playmaker making a play."

Best headlines ever

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair With Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve