I have finally come across a type of person with
whom I could be comfortable. The problem is we will never meet.
Years ago one day I was waiting around for some people to
make up their minds about whether we were going to do something or not. Tired
of waiting, I decided right there if I wanted to do something I would do it,
whether alone or not, just get up and go while the rest of them discuss the
possibilities. Since that time most of my adventures except for sailing have
been alone and I would have done that alone too, if I had ever owned a boat that
I could single-hand on the big ocean.
I also found myself uncomfortable in crowds or groups, often
at parties wandering among conversational groups listening quietly to what was
mostly small talk but seldom joining the discussion. After an hour or so of
that at many parties I would excuse myself and leave rather than endure that
sense of being alone and obvious in a crowd.
I have avoided confrontation as much as possible, not even
answering the phone rather than risk a confrontation of one form or another. It
reached the point where the phone
ringing created a minor anxiety attack, startling me with its rude intrusion.
As a child I recall almost every question to my parents
about wanting some toy or wanting to do something ended very quickly with a
"no." As a result to this day I loathe asking people for anything and
avoid it as much as I can. A side effect of those parental "nos" was that I made a conscious effort to never tell my children no unless there was a good reason and if so explain it to them. No quick reaction arbitrary negative responses.
For the most part if I can't do it myself, it
doesn't get done or else I learn how to do it on my own. I built three houses
with a minimum of outside help, often working with a book in one hand and a
hammer in the other. As I progressed through a project, I would plan out tasks working out how I could
accomplish them by myself. This included some very creative heavy lifting that I
did rather than ask for help if I could avoid it. People even came by to help
once in a while and offer a hand but I had no idea what to tell them because I
was all prepared to do it alone.
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"I want that t shirt that says 'introverts unite! we're
here, we're uncomfortable, and we want to go home.'" – Allie Billings
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As life moved along, and I did more things on my own, and outside the norm for most people like sailing the big ocean, living in
the Alaska Bush, going to a Lady Gaga concert at the age of 70, my accumulation
of experiences further isolated me from the conversation. I just could not
relate to people who lived more normal lives, never getting very close to the edge and doing for a few hours on the weekends what I did all the time. My lifestyle as well was alien to them. Sooner or later while I was describing life in the Bush someone was sure to ask a question about an outhouse. Once that came up the questioner usually dropped out of the conversation while I had to describe a toilet rather than the joys of the life. I quit talking about it.
Writing further isolated me. While it gave me a method
of expression that avoided conversation, it is not a team sport; it is done
alone in closed rooms and any interruption at all is a major intrusion. Yet
when somebody did interrupt I could not tell them to buzz off, just endured the
intrusion in silence until the person gave up and left. That may have at least
contributed to problems that led to two divorces.
Alaska lends itself well to this way of life. Independence is a virtue around here and the tales are full of loners who populate the outer country quite comfortably. These days I live alone and function alone, going days and
days without talking to another person, content with chores, the television,
some limited writing and enjoying the solitude. My only regular socialization
is Internet chat with a woman I have come to accept as an unindicted
co-conspirator, trading YouTube videos on line and chatting as we listen to music
we recommend to each other.
For years, I thought there was something wrong with me,
wondering what personality malfunction caused this abnormal behavior. Then a
few months ago, I ran across another person who is pretty much the same way and
through her had a minor epiphany. She posted something about being an
introvert, not as an apology for her personality, nor even anything she felt
needed changing. In fact she opened my eyes to what an introvert is all about.
Among items she posted about it were a couple of lists that pointed out 50 traits of an introvert. As I looked over those lists I realized 49 of those
traits applied to me. Whoa. There was my life explained to me in almost
clinical detail and I happily embraced the idea, not as an excuse for abnormal
behavior but as an explanation that made me more comfortable in my own skin.
Adding to that comfort has been learning there are others of us who enjoy the same attribute. I've even heard rumblings of a meeting of introverts. The unfortunate truth about that though, is we know, we know no one would show up, but, then, to an introvert, that's not unfortunate.
ADDENDUM: A friend, who incidentally is enjoying an unencumbered weekend, pointed out that there is no normal. Looking back, it looks like I used "normal" and "abnormal" rather freely here. I usually cringe when I write the word "normal" for that very reason but I might have been in a hurry this time. Alternates? Maybe "mainstream," "generally accepted." I am sure there are others. In two cases I used abnormal facetiously as in "abnormal behavior." That was supposed to be sarcastic but on looking at it again, it doesn't read that well. The fact is that everyone's normal is different as is everyone's abnormal meaning as my friend said, there are no such things, except perhaps in the sense that being an introvert is very normal for a whole bunch of us.
Revenge of the introverts
30 problems only introverts will understand
She's so fierce blog – Being an introvert; why I struggle with my personality
Jung's theory of personalities
This is part of the reason I love Alaska so much! It really does lend itself to introversion and solo adventure. I see a lot of hikers, alone, mapping out their own way. Lots of runners out doing their own thing; bikers, skiers, etc. I love it!
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