Friday, June 10, 2016

Even more ramblings from Alaska

Graffiti artist Banksy invited students to add to a mural he left on a school building that was named for him.
I don't like to put these ramblings too close together on the blog but there have been so many recently and I've been distracted elsewhere so here you go.


Bridge Farm Primary school in Bristol, England, named a new building on campus after the mysterious graffiti artist Banksy who is believed to be from that town. After a week-long holiday students and teachers returned to school to discover the artist had been there and left a mural on the building.

George Zimmerman auctioned off his gun, the one he used to kill Trayvon Martin. He said he wanted the money to help defeat Hillary Clinton. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse than that, somebody paid him $250,000 for it.

Target ran an ad on TV with four beautiful women modeling summer fashions. One of the women was in a wheelchair. Respect.

After my regular physical exam my doctor told me I'm a perfect specimen. Her words, not mine.

Well, there's the problem, the paper is on the
roll wrong.
Mike Webb a conservative candidate for Congress in Virginia posted a screen shot of his browser online and it showed two open tabs for porn sites.

One benefit of baldness is I will never be tempted to tie my hair into one of those man buns.

In Texas you can use a gun permit as identification when you vote, but not a student ID.

The most commonly misspelled word in Alaska is "Hawaii," according to Google Trends.

The Bush/Cheney White House deleted 22 million emails and we hear nothing about it. Hillary deleted a grocery list she sent her maid and we'll never hear the end of it.

At least part of the US missile defense system still depends on floppy disks to operate system computers. Before the NASA space shuttles were retired, computer technicians working on them had to go junkyarding for parts because the gear on the flight craft was so old some of the manufacturers had gone out of business.

A 4-year-old fell into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati zoo and a big male came over and all observations seem to show it protecting him. So the zoo people shot the gorilla and told the boy's family they were praying for them without ever contacting the family in person. Lesson here? They did, however, contact the zoo's lawyer. Maybe gorillas have more compassion than zookeepers. But remember in Paul Simon's song they ARE very fond of rum, the zookeepers are.

Donald Trump told Californians there is no drought; all they have to do is turn on the water.


Why are these people smiling? The two people on the right are from 
AARPAlaska in Washington, D.C., to among other things lobby for increased 
Social Security. The guy in the red tie is Alaska's missing US Senator who 
can be expected to follow the Republican mantra and vote to cut Social 
Security  if it ever comes to a vote.
Target does it again. In an ad for swimwear, four models dancing around and one of them is decidedly heavier than the other three or almost every other model you have ever seen. Even more respect.

Anderson Varejão of the Golden State Warriors could receive a championship ring no matter who wins the NBA finals because he played for Cleveland earlier in the season.

Most photographed non-birth ever. A moose was reported to have given birth to a calf in the parking lot of an Anchorage big box hardware store. The story hit national headlines but several experts who did not see the moose said it was most likely born somewhere else and wandered into the parking lot.

Google says the question Alaskans ask most is "how to smoke salmon." Well with pot legal now, might as well try other commodities.

Introversion attack: when you have your first guests in months coming for lunch Monday and in panicked anxiety you begin preparations Friday morning.

Iran refused visas to three Republican Congressmen who thought they'd like to  take a trip over there.

Big box hardware purveyor Lowe's hired an employee who needed a service dog. No problem. They hired the dog, too. It was at one of their stores in Canada. More respect.

Alaska Airlines has flown two flights powered in part by biofuel made from corn.

The Anchorage Dispatch News has a dedicated reality TV reviewer. With all the TV versions of Alaska reality, someone to sort it all out seems necessary.. Incidentally the Browns were caught living in a hotel. If you don't know who the Browns are, you're better off and to tell the truth if I hadn't learned that in some context I never would have known either.

Within two hours after Trump ducked out of a debate with Bernie Sanders the hashtag #chickentrump had generated 104 thousand tweets.

As the snow receded this year, so far the bodies of four missing persons have been found in Southern Alaska, one nobody even knew was missing. 

Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost city in the United States, had a record snowfall June 9.

And facebook now insists I might know someone named 近藤未来.

Then there was this fellow found along an Anchorage bike path whom officials thought had been stabbed, then decided it was a bear attack, but a day later settled on a moose tromping. Alaska provides all new challenges for the traditional CSI. Latest was someone suggesting it is a Kooshdakhaa, a mythical shapeshifter from Tsimshian and Tlingit folklore. 

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Interesting quotations

"In the final analysis your life is only as good as the background music you dance to." – that was me

"Whether you think that you can or you think you can't, you are right." – Henry Ford

"You want to feel alive until the day you croak" – Frank Gallagher Shameless

"Smooth is good but sailing takes a brisk wind" – me

"I'm a drinker with writing problems." ~ Brendan Behan

"Religious Freedom is not about stopping persecution; it’s about being the one who gets to do it. Glory!" – Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's best Christian

It doesn't matter what you write, it only matters that you write.

"Give someone a book and they'll read all day. Teach someone to write a book and they'll spend a lifetime mired in paralyzing self doubt." – internet meme

"It's been a long time since I heard my backbone crack – Chuck Berry

“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” – JD

"I was the only person up on the hill with both racing numbers and a handicapped placard." – Kitty Delorey Fleischman, a grandmother who occasionally still races her Porsche in hill climbs.

Like most writers, I feel like a reprobate who does not deserve to live on any day that I do not write, but I also feel that four or five hours is enough to earn my stay on the planet for one more day. – anon

"Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool." – Mark Twain

Shit happens; you just come up with a different plan. – Kitty

Your body is not a temple. It's an amusement park. – Anthony Bourdain

Never too late for a happy childhood – Berkley Breathed

A real writer doesn't just want to write, a real writer has to write. – Internet meme

"It was like the aftermath of an orgasm with the wrong partner" – David Lagercrants, "The Girl in the Spider's Web"

The non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

We never comprehend how heavy the things are we insist on carrying until we set them down. jd

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

Exceed your bandwidth—sign on the wall of the maintenance shop at the West Coast/Alaska Tsunami Warning Center

One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio talk show host

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Things sports announcers say

"… there's a fearlessment about him …"

"He's got to have the lead if he's going to win this race."

"Kansas has always had the ability to score with the basketball."

"NFL to put computer chips in balls." Oh, that's gotta hurt.

"Now that you're in the finals you have to run the race that's going to get you on the podium."

"It's very important for both sides that they stay on their feet."

This is why you get to hate sportscasters. Kansas beats Texas for the first time since 1938. So the pundits open their segment with the question "let's talk about what went wrong." Wrong? Kansas WON a football game! That's what went RIGHT!

"I brought out the thermostat to show you how cold it is here." Points to a thermometer reading zero in Minneapolis.

"It's tough to win on the road when you turn the ball over." Oh, really? Like you can do all right if you turn the ball over playing at home?

Cliches so imbedded in sportscasters' minds they can't help themselves: "Minnesota fell from the ranks of the undefeated today." What ranks? They were the only undefeated team left.

A good one: A 5'10" player went up and caught a pass off a defensive back over six feet tall. The quote? "He's got some hops."

Best homonym of the day so far: "It's all tied. Alabama 34, Kentucky 3." Oh, Tide.

"Steve Hooker commentates on his Olympic pole vault gold medal." When "comments" just won't do.

"He's certainly capable of the top ten, maybe even higher than that."

"Atlanta is capable of doing what they're doing."

"Biyombo, one of seven kids from the Republic of Congo." In the NBA? In America? In his whole country?

"You can't come out and be aggressive but you can't come out and be unaggressive."

"They're gonna be in every game they play!"

"First you have to get two strikes on the hitter before you get the strikeout."

"The game ended in the final seconds." You have to wonder when the others ended or are they still going on?

How is a team down by one touchdown before the half "totally demoralized?"

"If they score runs they will win."

"I think the matchup is what it is"

After a play a Houston defender was on his knees, his head on the ground and his hand underneath him appeared to clutch a very sensitive part of the male anatomy. He rolled onto his back and quickly removed his hand. (Remember the old Cosby routine "you cannot touch certain parts of your body?") Finally they helped the guy to the sideline and then the replay was shown. In it the guy clearly took a hard knee between his thighs. As this was being shown, one of the announcers says, "It looks like he hurt his shoulder." The other agrees and then they both talk about how serious a shoulder injury can be. Were we watching the same game?

"Somebody is going to be the quarterback or we're going to see a new quarterback."

"If you're gonna play running back in the SEC you're gonna take hits."

"That was a playmaker making a play."

Best headlines ever

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair With Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve