Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving

Having lived alone much of my adult life, it really doesn't bother me much to be alone on a day like Thanksgiving, although it did hit me this week that I can't remember the last time I shared Thanksgiving dinner on the actual day with another human being. 

For one thing, I think it makes me thankful for some of the more basic aspects in life.  For instance I am thankful at least one store in Alaska carries small turkeys.  Think I am kidding? Try to find one weighing less than 10 pounds.  This store had several and I found one that was 7.75 pounds. That will leave just enough leftovers but not so much I will get tired of them.

I am thankful for the winter birds at the feeders who consistently entertain me (and to a certain extent, I hope, blog readers) through the long Alaska winter. Case in point, the rescue of the Pine grosbeak a couple of days ago.  I posted these pictures just to show the true colors after the poor quality of the one that went up with the rescue story.

After the poor color quality in the photo the other day, here
is a male and female on the feeder enjoying Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for this little puppy sleeping next to me, at least when he's not chewing on my blankets or my hands. He is rapidly becoming the companion I had hoped he would be. And I am thankful for this roof over our heads.

In a broader sense I am thankful for the few friends and family members I stay in touch with, people whom I see infrequently but enjoy when we are together or even just chatting on line. In particular this year, I have been chatting regularly with someone who shares a broad interest in music and we enjoy each other's through posting youtube videos while chatting.

And speaking of internet things I am thankful for those who read this blog. I came across a graph the other day that shows readership, at least page hits, has gone from almost nothing when I started in 2008 gaining gradually to more than 3,000 a month these days. That is enough to encourage me to write more often and better.

Today I am thankful I can plan my dinner around football games rather than argue with someone about which interrupts which.

I am thankful, too, for the nurse practitioner who discovered the blockage in my cartoid artery or I might not be here at all.

Out there too, we still have a pretty good country to live in despite the screaming politics of the day.

So, reflecting, watching football and birds,  and contemplating the snowy scene out the window backed by a high mountain, I am most thankful that there is an Alaska where I have been able to find my place in the general scheme of things.

And then too, there is single malt scotch, hot women, cold turkey sandwiches, heavy guitar riffs, two pretty neat kids, and the blessing of a shining sun.

Tonight I look forward to seeing Lady Gaga and the Muppets thanksgiving special.  That should provide the a topping to the day to be thankful about also.

Peace everyone, and may your lives be as filled with at least as many things to be thankful for as mine is.

Monday, November 25, 2013

I gave her the bird, literally

What a day.  Convalescing and housebound, with just me and Walter and the birds, lazy day in front of the television with not much going on, just chillin'.

Then the bird hit the window, a big one making a loud thud.  I went to look and saw a female pine grosbeak down in the snow, knocked silly. This happens once in a while and they usually sit there for a minute or two, gather their wits and fly off.  Not so with this one and so I worried and finally went  out, gathered it up and brought it into the house.  I found a way to confine it  and let it warm up but wasn't sure what to do beyond that.
In the picture the bird looks red, like a male, but in real life she was
more of an orange color, definitely female.

I messaged a bird-knowledgeable friend but she wasn't online, so I put a post on an Alaska birding bulletin board called akbirding@yahoogroups to see if anyone knew what could be done.  I joined that group last winter during the invasion of the redpolls. What I was told was that about all I could do is what I was already doing, keep it warm, let it wake up and when it was lively let it go. What is amazing is the number of responses that came back to me.  A dozen people at least responded, all of whom had pretty much the same advice which was what I was already doing.

When I saw the bird standing with her head up I tried to put her outside.  I picked her out of the cooler and she perched on my finger and stayed there. I gently guided her to the top of the wood pile hoping she would fly off, but when she did she just fluttered to the ground.  Not good.  I tried to catch her but she flopped along in the snow into the woods then stopped and I realized I was just stressing her with the chase, and, too, trying to discourage a very curious Walter. 

A few minutes later I went back out and collected her and brought her back inside where she now sits in a cooler with a screen over the top.  I am not optimistic now and I don't want to let her go after dark for the neighbors' cats to have a meal. 

Then as I was trying to figure out what to do next, I received a message from Chris Maack at the Bird Treatment & Learning Center in Anchorage.  I had already received a note about taking the bird there, but the one out where I live isn't accepting injured birds and the TLC is 50 miles away in Anchorage. It doesn't help that part of my convalescence prevents me from driving a car because jerking my neck around could cause serious problems.

Then someone came up with a solution. Someone who volunteers at the center lives near here and can stop on her way home to pick up the bird.  She hoped to be here around 10 after she and her daughter who was returning from college took in a movie first.

Meanwhile about the time the arrangements were being made I had to face a crisis of personal identity. Just coming on TV at the moment, Lady Gaga was due on the Ellen show and the Monday Night Football game was about to start. Not saying which one I chose, but as a hint, the game goes on for two and a half more hours while there was only half an hour of Gaga with Ellen. And, San Francisco won, so, do the math.

Meanwhile the night went on and a little later I  heard from the woman volunteer from TLC and said she was leaving Anchorage and would pick the bird up on her way home about 10 p.m. or so.

The conclusion: As of 10:30 p.m. the woman had stopped by and I gave her the bird which is now on her way to TLC.  By the time she left, the bird was pretty scrappy, squawking and flapping around, so she might make it. Anyway, my work here is done, except to hang the warnings in the windows for them so it doesn't happen again.

Pine grosbeak

Friday, November 22, 2013

Another November 22 rolls around


Fifty years ago today. Given that anniversary, there are a lot of reminders just about everywhere you look. The date brings a confusion of memories involving first love, assassination, roses and the Beatles. It's been written about before, about walking up that sidewalk with an armful of flowers only to sit in sadness watching the events unfolding after the death of John Kennedy. 

Today another memory besides the opening of the second Hunger Games movie :Catching Fire," is added as I will spend much of it under anesthesia or coming out of it and hoping for some good drugs to bring home.  Truthfully looking forward to what those drugs will allow into my mind and wondering if I can deal with whatever comes up.  And when it is over I will have a nice little scar added to my Alaska collection. After all, in the words of Jimmy, don't we do it for the stories we can tell?


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Confirmation about those news reports by committee

There's a line in a Paul Simon song, 'I get all the news I need from the weather report." It has reached the point now where that is the only straight news reporting around, except maybe when the idiots stand outside in storms telling everyone else to seek shelter.  At least they don't do it by committee.

News reporting on the 24-hour stations has become increasingly irritating in the past few months.  It's about those committees. The talking head gives the basic story and then a small panel, usually three, of people who know nothing about the subject or have any connection or credibility whatsoever with the given story give their opinions about what is going on.  They often shout and rudely talk over each other in order to say things like "I am not familiar with this particular case but here is what I think in general."  Each one tries to outdo the other in being more profound, or more outrageous or just more clever,  In the end they say nothing and add nothing to the story and their shouted inanities overwhelm the thinking audience.  That's when I change the channel and it happens often.  Some days that's all that's on and it is frustrating not to get any news, just shouting pseudo experts.  I used to laugh at reporters interviewing reporters but the collection of participants in these forums is even worse.  It is the trend apparently.

CASE IN POINT: Wednesday morning 11/20, news head and two others discussing shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  (I will never win this one but I can still refuse to call it black friday.) Does it really take a panel discussion to report that Friday comes after Thursday and it is an over-hyped shopping day?  For the sake of discussion I would submit this intrnet meme: defined as the day when people fight each other to buy unneeded things the day after they gave thanks for what they already have.

I am often alone in my criticisms and I can live with that, but tonight, on this particular subject I received some confirmation.  I am not the only one.  When I can, I usually watch a rerun of  the previous night's The Daily Show at 6:30 p.m. during dinner.  It's better than answering telemarketers' calls. So, tonight they did it: Jon Stewart and a panel of his cronies shouting each other down with one outrageous comment after another about the subject or off the subject or about anything that came to mind.  It was hilarious, it pilloried those CNN and HLN and MSNBC committees at their best. I laughed.  No wonder young people say they get their news from Stewart and Stephen Colbert.  Some days their hilarity is the only sanity in the news business and I have to admit sorting through their humor I often learn things about a subject I hadn't heard or read about in the supposed responsible news media.

Overall it is a shame to watch news reporting degenerate into showmanship with no substance. It makes me want to find some recordings of Walter Cronkite and send them to the networks in hopes somebody will realize how far they have removed themselves from real news.

Monday, November 18, 2013

At about 22 cents apiece, hurricane ties are a bargain

Add one per rafter, perhaps save a roof.
It always pains me when I see photos of damage from hurricanes and tornados, especially houses with their roofs gone.

Having built a couple of 5-star energy-rated homes in a major earthquake zone, I have some experience with codes and building tough houses.

I realize not much can be done when a house is flattened or probably not with the 190 mph winds recorded in Typhoon Halyan or the horde of tornados that tore through the Midwest Nov. 17.

22 cents

However, in a lot of cases one of these on each rafter could have saved the roof. It amazed me when I saw new construction in a hurricane zone like Florida of all places and these hurricane ties were not used. They cost about 22 cents apiece for crying out loud and only take a minute or so to attach one.  That's pretty cheap compared with repairing a roof and fixing or replacing whatever else is damaged when a flying roof leaves a house uncovered.

Hurricane ties were just one of the code requirements for building in a high-wind, earthquake-prone, heavy snow area like the one where I lived and built.  I am sure some of the requirements would make an outside contractor cringe.

To begin with, for loans banks require a high energy rating: the second one had to be at least 5-star. In this area we had to build for 90 mph winds, 120-pound-per-square-foot snow load and to withstand a substantial earthquake (I don't recall if there was a specific magnitude involved.)  I do know the Good Friday Alaska earthquake in 1964 was the strongest earthquake ever recorded in North America and the epicenter was just 50 miles west of where I was building.

Along with the hurricane ties, I had to put heavy steel rods through the gable end walls connecting foundation to roof. Wall base plates were bolted to the foundation, and other ties similar to the ones shown held various other sections of the house together. I know these precautions can add to the eventual cost, but they seem cheap relative to replacing a whole roof or even more.



Friday, November 15, 2013

Last night, talkin' 'bout last night

Moonlight twinkling off frost-encrusted twigs as it passes through the tangle of leafless forest branches illuminates the way as a thin layer of crisp, cold snow covering frozen leaves crunches underfoot.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Oh no, I missed our anniversary

It was a big one too. I came across an internet meme today that kind of hit home and as I was thinking about it, I realized i had missed a pretty big anniversary date in my life.

October 15 marked forty years living in Alaska. But it will never be enough.  Like August Birch-Alder says, "a real Alaskan is someone who has lived here a year longer than you have."  So until you are the last one standing, you aren't one.  I can deal with it.  I've put in my time and I've had my adventures and to some that is an accomplishment. I like the idea of living in a place where endurance counts, someplace the vast majority of people don't want to, in this case often dissuaded by the climate.  (Shhh. Our little secret.) Whenever I have to describe something about Alaska to a new person, I try to make it sound as harsh as possible, so while they will appreciate the place, they wouldn't want to live here. So many Alaskans moved here from someplace else and over the years I have discovered  a good number of them wished the gates had closed once they were inside, me included.  Unrealistic, of course. So, endurance counts and 40 years is a milestone. It only takes 30 to qualify for an obituary in Alaska Magazine.

Now about that meme. No matter how good the news, something will always come along to put you in your place.  Turns out my birthday, which is within a few days of the Alaska anniversary, has been designated International Day of Failure. First one who says that explains a lot is off my list. To the good, science is based on failure and learning from a failure allows you to move on to bigger and better failures. So it goes.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Are Fred Meyer and Kroger ripping us off or is this just misleading



This is the entire ad from the mailed flyer. Does it say house brands?
One of the advantages of growing older is you qualify for some good discounts at various stores. Movies around here are just about half price, ATT has a phone plan senior discount and so does just about everyone else. The problem is, once in while you run into what I would call nothing short of a scam.

Look at the picture I grabbed from a flyer I received in the mail.  What does it say to you?  I took it to mean if I shopped on those specific Tuesdays my entire purchase would qualify for a 10 percent discount. Can you see anything on there that says anything different? I am not the only one. I noticed Tuesday the majority of customers at the store, at least when I went, were elderly.  I figured it was because of the discount.

This is a grab from the web site. Note the pic of the Nike 
shoe, the Nikon camera, the coffee maker and the auto care parts. 
Those aren't house brands, but according to the ad they are also
included in the discounts. 
As my income has slowly dwindled to a little more than subsistence, I plan for such events and went without a few things waiting for Tuesday Nov. 5 when I planned to do at least a week's worth of food shopping.

Imagine the surprise when I checked out and the discount did not show up. I asked the checker about it and she very casually said, "oh that only applies to store brands, Kroger and Fred Meyer."

Now, anyone who eats knows store brands usually are not the same quality as the name brands, so I seldom buy those even though the name brands usually cost a little more.  So, I did not have one item that according to the checker qualified for that 10 per cent senior discount every Tuesday.

Now, look at that ad: Does anything on that ad say anything about store brands?  No.

There is that line at the bottom that if you can't see it reads, "See store or fredmeyer.com/senior for complete details and a few exclusions." A few exclusions.

The posting from the web site is at left.  If you read past the huge type telling you how Fred Meyer is discounting for seniors, there's a list in very small type of the specific brands covered by the discount offer.  As a habit I don't buy a single one of those brands.

A few exclusions indeed:  Every damned thing in the store that isn't a house brand.

How many of us even notice small print in ads, let alone follow a link to a web site? How many people would just see the flyer and head over there on a Tuesday to shop?  I bet more of us than those who actually caught the line at the bottom or followed the link.

So, there I was with a $113.34 tab on my groceries for the week and after the discount it was,

wait for it,

$113.34.

I felt totally taken advantage of and what can you do but pay it or walk away and start over at another store after shopping at this one for the past eight years.


I have liked this store but there are alternatives and at least one of them offers a senior discount on everything, not just the house brand, so I am going over there to check on it before I ever go back to Fred Meyer.

AN UPDATE 7/1/14: Fred Meyer continues to bait the elderly

The myth of the senior discount

COMMENTS:

The following comments came to me through other media.  I know each of these people personally but chose not to use their names to protect their privacy:

That's pretty crappy! A Walmart just went up RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the Fred's in Muldoon. I would think they would want to be sincere in trying to build customer loyalty, but it doesn't sound like it.  -- Anchorage

Not just Alaska! Fred Meyers in Idaho is the same. The Kroger/Fred Meyer "loyalty" program sucks. -- Boise

I don't think any large corporation has any loyalty to anyone or anything except their bottom line and their boards of directors do not equate their profits to the minions that buy their products. You can count on your hands the number of corporations that control our world. -- California

Good show! I ran into this one about a year ago. I didn't recall that Fred Meyer brand even qualified -- just Kroger. I "saved" something like 50 cents on a big order. I also bought AA battery pack a couple weeks ago, clearly marked "Buy one, get one free," but when I got home and checked the tape, I'd paid for both of them. Went back a few days later and the "Buy one" sign was gone. I was better off when I ignored their coupons, I think, because the big print giveth and the fine print taketh away" too often. Fred Meyer coupons are full of gotchas and some of them aren't programmed into the cash registers so even if you buy them it doesn't work automatically. Sometimes it's fine print I can't read without my glasses and sometimes the clerk puts it in manually and sometimes I don't see the problem until I get home and then I feel ripped off. I'm often unimpressed but since Safeway took over Carr's that isn't wondrous either and I refuse to darken the doors of Walmart or Sam's Club and I can't deal with the Costco quantities, so there isn't much alternative,  -- Anchorage

It all makes me kind of wonder who Parker Allen in the following comment works for.  Pretty interesting that a person who qualifies for the senior discount has kids who often prefer the house brand.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

All right, Republicans, now it's personal


There's a central landfill for this borough, but because the borough is so large, there are some transfer stations here and there. You take your trash to one of those satellite stations and put it in huge containers that are trucked to the main one for disposal.

One such transfer station is only about a mile from here and that's where I haul my trash when it fills all the cans.  In addition to the containers on the property a large open field was made available for people to haul brush and trees and stuff cleared from lots. I've taken a couple of trailer loads to that spot.

Friday, November 1, 2013

It's about that stump

First pull it in the direction it wants to go.
A short update: So with the ruined old blade sharpened, I was able to cut through three roots and halfway through a fourth.  That done I attached the Jeep to the stubborn stump and gave it another yank. No deal, again the only thing that moved was the gravel under the tires. Pulled so hard the Jeep made a lot of blue smoke, and I caught the distinct odor I used to associate with a burning clutch.  Wonder what causes that with an automatic transmission.

Then pull it in the direction I want to go.
As I was trying to figure out Plan C, I  leaned against the stump and it moved and suddenly the light came on.  Pull it in the direction it wants to go. Duh! So I maneuvered the Jeep up into the woods and attached the tow strap and woo hoo, picked up the strain and the stump came almost free. Archimedes would have been proud. It's all about choosing a place to stand. Probably would have been smart to pull the trailer out of there first, but no harm done.

Found the lock that broke, note
 the shackle is missing, rippe
right out.
With it loosened like that, I was able to disconnect, move the Jeep into the new position and then reconnect to pull it in the direction I wanted to go and now it is all but out. If I had kept pulling in that direction, longer, deeper roots might have ripped out or damaged the new wiring we put in last year for the well.  I'm really not interested in doing that again any time soon.   But, the stump is now in a good place where I can cut it apart and be done with it.

Time now to give the saw a good cleaning, install the shiny new chain and get about cutting firewood.
The original problem.

Travels with Walter

Just for fun and to keep active with the SPOT locater, we took it along on one of our more extended walks today.
The gold straight lines are what the SPOT sent. The darker curvy line is
where we actually walked.

The picture is from the signals sent to the satellite and then to our web page.  I thought it would send more locations than it did.  Believe me walking with a dog, especially a scent hound, there are no straight lines anywhere. But the unit draws lines from location to location so this is what we got.

To explain:  Location 1: Not at home, but next to a gravel pit we pass. We continued on south to where
that road curves sharply to the west. We went east, jogged through those trees then turned west until we ended up in that gray parking lot that just shows south of the road. From there we crossed the road and went north on the one that leads to spot 2.  From spot 2 we angled across the end of the runway until we reached that trail that goes just about straight north near the east end of the runway. How many people walking their dogs have to watch for aircraft landing or taking off?  The first little trail that goes off to the east (right) off that trail led us to position 3. That connects with our road and we walked down it to the driveway and to the house (Position 4).

Guide: North is up, south is down, east is right and west is left.

Of course there were lots of jogs off into the pucker brush here and there especially when Walter was off the leash between spots 1 and 2, but south of that road.

If anyone is interested here is a link to the page where our tracked adventures show up.

About the SPOT locater.

Best headlines ever

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel

Memorable quotations

The best way to know you are having an adventure is when you wish you were home talking about it." — a mechanic on the Alaska State Ferry System. Or as in my own case planning how I will be writing it on this blog.

"You can't promote principled anti-corruption without pissing off corrupt people." — George Kent

"If only the British had held on to the airports, the whole thing might have gone differently for us." — Mick Jagger

"You can do anything as long as you don't scare the horses." — a mother's favorite saying recalled by a friend

A poem is an egg with a horse inside” — anonymous fourth grader

“My children will likely turn my picture to the wall but what the hell, you only get old once." — Joe May

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth. Kurt Vonnegut

“If you wrote something for which someone sent you a cheque, if you cashed the cheque and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.”Stephen King

The thing about ignorance is, you don't have to remain ignorant. — me again"

"It was like the aftermath of an orgasm with the wrong partner." – David Lagercrants “The Girl in the Spider’s Web.”

Why worry about dying, you aren't going to live to regret it.

Never debate with someone who gets ink by the barrel" — George Hayes, former Alaska Attorney General who died recently

My dear Mr. Frost: two roads never diverge in a yellow wood. Three roads meet there. — @Shakespeare on Twitter

Normal is how somebody else thinks you should act.

"The mark of a great shiphandler is never getting into situations that require great shiphandling," Adm. Ernest King, USN

Me: Does the restaurant have cute waitresses?

My friend Gail: All waitresses are cute when you're hungry.

I'm not a writer, but sometimes I push around words to see what happens. – Scott Berry

I realized today how many of my stories start out "years ago." What's next? Once upon a time?"

“The rivers of Alaska are strewn with the bones of men who made but one mistake” - Fred McGarry, a Nushagak Trapper

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stared at walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. – Meg Chittenden

A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. – Franz Kafka

We are all immortal until the one day we are not. – me again

If the muse is late, start without her – Peter S. Beagle

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain Actually you could do the same thing with the word "really" as in "really cold."

If you are looking for an experience that will temper your vanity, this is it. There's no one to impress when you're alone on the trap line. – Michael Carey quoting his father's journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of. – Shirley Hazzard

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

You know that I always just wanted to have a small ship to take stuff from a place that had a lot of that stuff to a place that did not have a lot of that stuff and so prosper.—Jackie Faber, “The Wake of the Lorelei Lee”

If you attack the arguer instead of the argument, you lose both

If an insurance company won’t pay for damages caused by an “act of God,” shouldn’t it then have to prove the existence of God? – I said that

I used to think getting old was about vanity—but actually it’s about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial. – Eugene O’Neill

German General to Swiss General: “You have only 500,000 men in your army; what would you do if I invaded with 1 million men?”

Swiss General: “Well, I suppose every one of my soldiers would need to fire twice.”

Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.—Gloria Steinem

Exceed your bandwidth—sign on the wall of the maintenance shop at the West Coast/Alaska Tsunami Warning Center

One thing I do know, if you keep at it, you usually wind up getting something done.—Patricia Monaghan

Do you want to know what kind of person makes the best reporter? I’ll tell you. A borderline sociopath. Someone smart, inquisitive, stubborn, disorganized, chaotic, and in a perpetual state of simmering rage at the failings of the world.—Brett Arends

It is a very simple mind that only knows how to spell a word one way.—Andrew Jackson

3:30 is too late or too early to do anything—Rene Descartes

Everything is okay when it’s 50-below as long as everything is okay. – an Alaskan in Tom Walker’s “The Seventymile Kid”

You can have your own opinion but you can’t have your own science.—commenter arguing on a story about polar bears and global warming

He looks at three ex wives as a good start—TV police drama

Talkeetna: A friendly little drinking town with a climbing problem.—a handmade bumper sticker

“You’re either into the wall or into the show”—Marco Andretti on giving it all to qualify last at the 2011 Indy 500

Makeup is not for the faint of heart—the makeup guerrilla

“I’m going to relax in a very adult manner.”—Danica Patrick after sweating it out and qualifying half an hour before Andretti

“Asking Congress to come back is like asking a mugger to come back because he forgot your wallet.”—a roundtable participant on Fox of all places

As Republicans go further back in the conception process to define when life actually begins, I am beginning to think the eventual definition will be life begins in the beer I was drinking when I met her.—me again

Hunting is a “critical element for the long-term conservation of wood bison.”—a state department of Fish and Game official explaining why the state would not go along with a federal plan to reintroduce wood bison in Alaska because the agreement did not specifically allow hunting

Each day do something that won’t compute – anon

I can’t belive I still have to protest this shit – a sign carriend by an elderly woman at an Occupy demonstration

Life should be a little nuts or else it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together—Kevin Costner as Beau Burroughs in “Rumor has it”

You’re just a wanker whipping up fear —Irish President Michael D. Higgins to a tea party radio announcer

Being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are—Michelle Obama

Sports malaprops

Naked pair fed LSD gummy worm to dog

Owners of a Noah's Ark replica file a lawsuit over rain damage

In Southcentral Alaska earthquake, damage originated in the ground, engineers say

A headline that could only be written in Alaska: At state cross country, Glacier Bears and Grizzlies sweep, Lynx repeat, Wolverines make history — and a black bear crosses the trail

Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter

Alabama governor candidate caught in lesbian sperm donation scandal

Sister hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose.

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey

Man loses his testicles after attempting to smoke weed through a SCUBA tank

Church Mutual Insurance won't cover Church's flood damage because it's 'an act of God'

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Meerkat Expert Attacked Monkey Handler Over Love Affair with Llama Keeper

GOP congressman opposes gun control because gay marriage leads to bestiality

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy

Support for legalizing pot hits all-time high

Give me all your money or my penguin will explode

How zombie worms have sex in whale bones

Crocodile steals zoo worker's lawn mower

Woman shot by oven while trying to cook waffles

Nude beach blowjob jet ski fight leads to wife's death

Woman stabs husband with squirrel for not buying beer Christmas Eve

GOPer files complaint against Democrat for telling the truth about Big Lie social posts

Man shot dead on Syracuse Street for 2nd time in 2 days

Alaska woman punches bear in face, saves dog

Johnny Rotten suffers flea bite on his penis after rescuing squirrel